"More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me."
"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong."
"Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
"There is a great need for the sarcasm font."
"Was learning cursive really necessary?"
"Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying."
"While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart."
"Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died."
"Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles..."
"It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood."
"I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay."
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